Most things that happen in my life seem fairly predictable and whenever something happens that catches me off guard, I know quite well how to deal with it.
For example, the time I went out with a guy a few times that I really started to like. His feelings, on the other hand, weren’t heading the same way. I could sense something was off and asked him about it. He told me he wasn’t really interested in a relationship, so we went our separate ways (after he asked me if we could remain friends — no, we couldn’t). I felt a little heartbroken — but only a little, since I know that there is no better place for us to be. I could only think it doesn’t make sense for us to waste our energy on something that has no future. Whatever the reason, we are not on the same level, so it’s time to move on.
Or the time I went to work on a farm for a month in the middle of France. I ended up at what must have been the most unwelcome family of the entire country. They went to bed drunk and woke up rolling joints in the kitchen while making what seemed like breakfast for their kids. We worked in the boiling sun for 8 hours with a break around lunchtime when the deal was a maximum of 5 hours. After only two days I felt so bad I wanted to leave right away. And I did. I was open and honest about not feeling welcome, they didn’t agree with me, but they did take me back to the nearest city the same day.
Or one of my colleagues telling me I shouldn’t get distracted at work so much. Oh boy, criticism. It will take huge forms in shapes of all kinds of stories in my head, but then I rationalize it. He’s right, lets do something about it. And everything goes back to normal.
Life feels a bit boring because I remember the time life didn’t feel easy at all. I was living in my own head, and it really felt like life was happening while I was busy doing other things — worrying. Worrying about my appearance, my choice of words. Worrying about my sick mother, dealing with my fear of losing her.
And then I did lose her. And my dad. And here I am telling you life is a bit boring. Perhaps because I’ve endured one of the worst pain possible. And I learned to let go of expectations, I learned to be more kind to myself. Now it feels like there won’t be anything I can’t handle.
Of course, there are days I don’t feel calm at all. I tell myself I should try to lose weight, be less introverted, save more money. There is always a little demon that tries to come out of the cave I pushed him in. I let him talk, or I make sure to get distracted enough to not hear him.
Sometimes, for the sake of it, I try to think of situations where I would be less in control. Like visiting an unfamiliar faraway country by myself. Ending up in the middle of nowhere, with no reception on my phone, and no idea where to go. That would be exciting. But even then, I’d manage to find a way, I’m sure. I think of moving to a different country, where I’m forced to speak their native tongue, and I love the idea. It will challenge me in so many ways. Perhaps I only date guys from different cultures for the same reason.
And before you say I haven’t truly experienced what hardship is — I’ve never experienced poverty, I don’t have to live in dangerous circumstances in everyday life — that is true. But even then, I believe I’d find a way to let my mind rest because I’m no longer treating life as if it is my worst enemy. I’m just trying to go along with it.
